Destructive behaviours

It's been a while since my last post - I suppose it has given me time to think and generally get on with life. Right now I'm on a high - I've just gotten a year long extension on my work contract (no financial worries for at least another year is a win), college is finished, I'm just on the cusp of finally knuckling down to assignments and the sun comes out a lot more than it used to - life feels good right now. It has given me food for thought though, reflection on the triggers of down periods or up periods that I have. Do you know that we can be quite prone to self-sabotage?



Alcohol
Recent events have made me come to terms with my relationship with alcohol. Lent quite literally is a Godsend. Whether done for religious reasons or not, for me, it has been good for my soul, no question. Giving up alcohol has me feeling so unbelievably brighter, clearheaded and stronger emotionally. I can't quite believe I haven't done it sooner. 

I have also come to accept the fact that time and time again I lie to myself. Constantly. About how I'm fine with drink, that it's just this once, that I deserve it, that it's not that much. Even in the knowledge that I can have fun without it, (even more perhaps, without the hangover and with ALL the memories) I still insist on over-doing it. It's all or nothing with me: cleaning, studying, eating - I won't study unless it's for hours only. I won't just clean the sink and leave the counter and the fridge and the floor. I cannot open a packet of biscuits without eating them all in one sitting. (This is why I need friends. Or indeed, not to buy biscuits.) Until I can discipline myself and learn moderation, I am not ready to go back on alcohol. It's too destructive to my well-being. And well-being is everything. 

It got me thinking of the other behaviours that have gotten me into sticky or unpleasant situations. I cannot help but observe destructive behaviour in those around me as a result, but by no means do I judge people for it. It is not uncommon for most of us to do the following. We are self-destructive by nature, it's what makes us human. 

Facebook
You know those times when you feel generally crap about yourself? You're lethargic, have your comfy pants on because you're having a fat day, your nose has a matching pimple for that one on your chin, you've been late for work every day this week and you've spent the last hour in tears of frustration because you've also decided to question your life goals and have hastily decided that you'll eventually amount to nothing. Catasrophising of course, we've all been there. There's nothing worse than turning around at that moment, opening Facebook and pouring over how "amazing" everyone else's life is and how crap yours seems to be in comparison. It's a facade that really lets us down in respect of being open about our feelings and health and let's face it - natural beauty! We, in turn, fuel our voyeurism in striving to portray the best image of ourselves that we possibly can - and no one more guilty of this than I for Facebook exhibitionism. That's when I turn to blogging. I hope that by at least by being honest here that there is some balance and perhaps benefit to social media.


Over-doing it
I would say that this one is a symptom more than a trigger. Over-shopping, over-eating, over-partying, over-spending, over-sleeping, over-cleaning. I am guilty of all of these and I think it's because these activities are easily accessible and don't initially appear threatening. In my experience, I found that I was in a constant need. Need of having to have a new item or purge another room with rubber gloves and Cillit Bang or going out at any opportunity I got to retain "Social Butterfly Status". It's like I was trying to fill a hole left by a completely different problem. I guess this means I ultimately let myself down in some way: being late, being broke, missing deadlines, exposing myself to illness.

Useless feelings
Jealousy, regret, resentment, hate. They're anti-feelings really, they lend themselves more to wallowing in self pity - in what you can't have, in events you can't change, in festering and loathsome thoughts. They are not proactive and effectively turn inwards towards our self-esteem and eat away at anything positive. That is unhealthy. I know that there is no way to control how one feels but there is a choice to change your thinking pattern (I learnt this from Aware Life Skills) There are more proactive feelings to have - anger inspires an action for justice, sadness allows relief in times of pain or grief, happiness allows one to live in the moment, create memories.

Relationships
Hanging around with the wrong crowd - have you ever heard of that? To me, that always meant steer clear of  druggies, risk-takers, shop-lifters, "bad influences". But there's more to it than that. I'm talking about friendships, romances, flings, long-term relationships - not all of these are good all of the time. For me, some of these things have left a bad taste in my mouth, prompted me to become resentful or hateful (anti-feelings), lose sight of my own beliefs and self-respect, use others - my mental health and self-confidence has been prone to a general battering in turn. 

I really believe that these things don't go bad because the people are bad. No, it's a compatibility thing. Some people bring out the worst in each other. Some have brought out the worst in me and I in them.  There have been personality clashes, intolerance, lack of compassion, over-dependence, imbalance of equality, abuse of trust. I feel that relationships go bad because neither person is being true to themselves. Some take advantage, some put up with it and vice versa.

Sometimes it can be a lot less painful to finally let something go than to hold on to it being miserable.

I believe that a relationship should be mutually fulfilling, respectful and supportive. Not becoming the weak, obliging, needy, doormat kind that'd rather surrender self-respect to avoid being alone/rejected/shunned or ridiculed. Indeed, neither should one becoming over-bearing, dishonest, a bully, intolerant, insensitive or disrespectful. 

I feel that deciding to let bygones be bygones and respecting each other from afar has been the kinder option for both parties.

There are such things as destructive friendships, infatuation mistaken for romance or love, mentally torturous or rose-tinted relationships and it's only when you've experienced a relationship breakdown of some sort do we come to realise that we have the choice to cut ties and take care of ourselves.

It's a cynical view to take, but when it comes down to it, our happiness can only come from one person (That's you! Yes, you!)


Fixing the World's Problems
I've come to realise the behaviours above because I've made mistakes. Unfortunately, that's how everyone else has to realise them too. All I can do is observe, advise, offer help but I still have to sit back and watch the world burn. That's the most frustrating thing; watching people make things hard for themselves, being miserable when there is an alternative, losing interest in their best traits and talents, being someone else to please others. Much as I'd like to I can't fix everyone else's problems. I have tried to do so, but it's impossible to be there for everyone all the time. If I run myself ragged, neglect my needs, my problems - what use am I to anyone then?

My body, my rules. I try to focus on self-respect, self-care, self-belief and self-worth when I feel things getting me down and I truly believe it helps me choose the kind decisions, the right decisions and the best decisions for me.