Cluttered room, cluttered mind

Today I want to talk about depression. And why not? I often share my travels and food and nail art and photographs and bargains-why not my health?


Truth be told, had it not been for a close friend of mine, I would not have had the courage, even the notion that I should talk about mental illness. Her article made me think otherwise:(link below)

Mind Matters: The fear of being judged...

It got me thinking about my own experience; I can relate to the message of this post. As a result I opened up about myself and perhaps I, in turn, should pass the favour on to someone else who feels they are alone in the same situation.

A lot of people look on mental illness as being a weakness and a nuisance. They take the view that you should just "snap out of it and get over yourself". That's something that I've had to encounter and I put it down to ignorance and fear of the situation. We should be at the point in this day and age that it's as normal to talk about going to see a counsellor for depression as it is to talk about going to the doctor for a flu jab-It's just another part of our health that needs tending to every now and then. 

What form did my depression take? Well, at first I didn't quite know what was wrong-but I was certain that something was amiss. I started to get very tired, slept a lot, lost interest in my hobbies and seeing my friends. I became very irritable and cranky and isolated myself, took comfort in eating and locking myself in my room and watching mind-numbing television. I felt breathless all the time and constantly had an impending sense of doom. I felt alone, scared, hopeless and even self-loathing at times. I couldn't remember where one day ended and the next started, a few weeks went by in one big blur. I found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. My first thought in work would be how much I was looking forward to getting back to bed and just trying to forget everything for as long as I could before I'd have to get up again and face another dull, lifeless and hopeless day. 

Feeling blue...

My first step was calling my mother; "Something's not right and I don't know what". Even just the fact that she knew helped. But not enough. I had gotten myself in such a hole that I didn't know where to even begin with getting help. Unfortunately for me, I had to get to the stage where I lashed out uncontrollably one night and just didn't know how to stop crying. It was bleak and scary for those who had no idea that I'd been feeling so bad for so long.

And that's the thing about depression. It manifests itself in such a sneaky way. Sometimes you feel so isolated that you almost begin to feel that you're making it all up. "There's nothing wrong with me, what would I have to be sad about, I should count myself lucky, how can I be so self-centred". I just pushed all my feelings away hoping that they would eventually  leave for good. 

Feeling lost...

Had I known more about depression and mental illness, I'd have been much better equipped with how to deal with it. I now realise that I have suffered from it many times throughout my life, I just didn't know at the time. It would be such a simple thing, yet crucial, to introduce to the school curriculum.

I have been called "crazy" and "selfish" and I have felt very ashamed, guilty and low about my depression. I felt like it was all my fault and that I was a terrible person. However, through counselling, medication and surrounding myself with positivity and the right support from family and friends, I have overcome the stigma and feel the stronger for it. It's not easy, but it's a damn sight easier than the feeling that you're spiraling out of control.

But how is it that I still never speak about it? For fear of making people feel uncomfortable? I think I even have a stigma myself sometimes and that stops me speaking about it more openly. Finally, I have the courage to speak about it now.

"Free as a bird" to be open about ourselves

And although I have come to terms with this myself, I cannot explain the relief, courage and gratitude that my friend's article and the discussion it has sparked has given me today. Sometimes that's all a person needs-someone to tell them that it's okay to feel like there's no hope, but also to reassure them that there is plenty of good things to live for and that it will all be okay. 

Talking about all this helps so much-my family have been so supportive. It has become so normal now that we are at the stage that when we sit down to dinner my brother turns to me and asks "So, how's the depression?", just like he's asking "So, isn't the weather terrible?"-it makes me smile at just how simple and easy and normal it is to talk this way. Isn't it shocking that we can't all talk so easily.

Sky is blue

Today I am very happy in my skin. I get up every morning and count myself lucky and make a special effort to make the day joyful. I'm kind to myself, I find different ways of occupying my mind and most importantly, I am always alert to any symptoms of recurrence. I don't let my depression define me-like my hayfever, I just need to know what to do when it pops up again. And to know that it doesn't have to feel that way. Everyone has different ways of dealing with things. I don't ignore my feelings, but I don't dwell on them either. The key is positivity.