"Rub my head and tell me I'm pretty..."

One thing that I have failed to do on this blog is be 100% honest with you all. I tend to advise and relate more than I moan and whinge (can you tell what is about to come?), I am positive and try to offer empathy and insight. I am conscious that a positive outlook is key. But today, ladies and gentlemen, is the day that I bring the honesty full circle and admit here and now that having a mental illness really sucks. During, for obvious reasons, and after for how it makes you constantly vigilant.

New decaffeinated use for coffee plunger... 

 For the first time, I think, since I've been diagnosed, I am feeling rather resentful of it all.  These past few weeks, although having my senses heightened to the fact that I'm getting bothered by stress, I have been feeling up and down both emotionally and physically and I tell you, it's exhausting.

By no means are you to take the following rant as rational or intelligent thinking, but please allow me be perfectly petty for just one moment. 

I am exhausted by feelings. Happy one moment, despairing the next. It's incredibly unsettling. I feel that I am constantly thinking and pondering my thoughts and questioning myself -"Why do you  feel this way? How do you want to fix this?" For once, brain, I would like to just not think and get on with it. 

I then feel completely selfish at all this time I spend thinking about myself, my head, my welfare. To help me combat this feeling of self-indulgence, I have been only too willing to talk through with others their troubles and downs. It is something that I thrive on and really hope helps but even now, my emotional strength can barely cover my own damn feelings (why are there so many of you in such a small period of time?! Panic, crankiness, jealousy, giddiness, boredom, confusion, indifference!) 

I'm so tired of being so tired - I feel perfectly zombified at my desk, head bobbing dangerously, lids of lead, heavy breathing. I hate the inconsistency that a week can bring. I can jump out of bed early some days and get all my to-do list ticked (a trick I find helps me feel good about achieving things if I'm having a few rough days) The very next day, I've slept in and spend the whole day two steps behind myself. And THAT was the night that I got the recommended 8 hours sleep! 

I hate having my whole house on my back and dozens of bags for those "just-in-case" moments of being out of the house all day. (Plus: *rain, wind, weather rant, yada, yada, yada*)

Sometimes I don't want to be responsible and good and careful and considerate. I want to be a typical 20-something and not worry about going out or drinking or staying up all night. I try the gym and I ache; I attend mindfulness and I generally just fall asleep, I replaced both coffee and tea with herbal remedies yet there is no stabilizing my mood for more than a short amount of time. Also, my face has decided to be 16 again and is plaguing me with pimples, so that's great.

Sometimes I just want to lie down, have someone rub my head, tell me I'm pretty and to forget that deadline for work, that essay for college, that bill that needs paying, the pile of laundry that needs washing. Heck, sometimes having to shower is a pain! (I do still shower, don't read me wrong). I wish I didn't live in constant fear of becoming depressed again. Sometimes, I wish it had never happened at all, that it wasn't my burden to bare. 

These are honestly the kinds of thought I have sometimes.

I don't know what's going on with me lately, it sounds much worse written down here than it actually is. But it's because I can't explain it, is why I am frustrated. It's the fact that I get uneasy these days or a sudden and abrupt change of mood with no obvious reason. It's the self doubt that's quite unfamiliar from the last 6 months I've had. It's the constant awareness of mood and feelings and triggers and not knowing if I should be worried or not - that is the most exhaustive thing of all.

(And just as a little disclaimer: I have not given up hope. But if I'm going to discuss this, it has to be warts and all. I thought I'd chance a bit of venting)

€8, Charity Shop, bright AND warm for Irish springtime

Funny that I was so taken yesterday by this new coat. White coat. Maybe that's a sign from the universe... in any case, I shall be asking my doctor about my meds again soon, perhaps it's a sign that a change in dosage is needed. Perhaps I'm just fed-up with my surroundings and need a physical change. Who knows. I'm just trying to focus on work, the gym and sleeping right now. That should be a good place to start.

To add insult to serious injury, I am not entitled to sick pay for my week off and I am dipping dangerously into my overdraft pre-payday. Nice way to start March. On the other hand though, I do have this new bag.

€5, Charity Shop (it's real leather!!)

What I'm trying to say is that life isn't fair. It's shitty sometimes and you want to put your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and ignore everything. But suddenly a great bargain you weren't expecting will pop out of no where. Hoping that philosophy will get me through til next week anyway.