Feeling Feelings

I read over my posts from the last few months at the weekend. It struck me how open and optimistic and almost “all-knowing” and confident they sounded. Did those words really come from me? It’s quite heartening to know that I had that strength and yet, disheartening now that I've had a little setback.

I knew on Sunday evening that I wasn't facing into another busy and dull Monday and yet I still felt uneasy. I've taken a week off on doctor’s orders -- stress hit me all of a wallop last Tuesday night and caught me somewhat off guard. I felt I had been coping admirably (if I do say so myself!) with work and college and internships and exams and assignments and interviews. Yes, it has been a hectic month, but not impossibly busy.

Keeping busy!

I am by no means slipping into depression but it still isn't a physical pain that ails me but the busyness of life and I lay there wondering how I, how I, missed it – what could I have done differently? Was I ignoring the symptoms? Should I have known what was coming? Could I have coped better?

The answer is probably no. I couldn’t and probably wouldn’t have done anything differently -- no-one can know what's around the corner. I was stressed, yes, no question.  I hadn't been sleeping properly, I was constantly napping for hours when I'd get the chance. And it's only when you stop that you realise the enormity of how much you've completed in such a small space of time - it's overwhelming! However, my method of de-stressing perhaps wasn't the most effective. I felt that by going out, having a few drinks and forgetting my duties that I wasn't letting it all get to me. That somehow by beating the "all work and no play" with midweek fun that it was absorbing the negative energy that all the pressure of work and study was placing on me. But you can’t have the career, the postgraduate studies, the study and the social life. I know that. God knows, I know that it all catches up on you eventually.

Even when you can see it, it’ll still hit you like a train. I will admit that I hated finding myself back in the GP, filling out social welfare forms again and providing work with a sick cert. I felt a little pathetic and angry with myself that I hadn't just dealt with things better. 

But now, aren’t I sounding like I’m telling you “do what I say and not as I do.” Let’s do a check list;

• I’m beating myself up
• I’m feeling guilty and angry at myself for letting mind matters get in the way of conducting my life
• I’m expecting that I am now a strong person who's immune to the triggers and stresses of life
• I feel like a burden and nuisance to friends
• I am disappointed and fed up, why does EVERYTHING happen to ME?!??

Yes. A bratty teenager has nothing on me.

And this is the aspect of my mental health that I hadn't anticipated. I was expecting too much of myself.

I don't want to be sick again. I don't want to be off work. I don't want to have to deal with this again. I don't want to feel weak and powerless. Give yourself a BREAK, Jill! Not even a year has passed since my diagnosis, surely I should be prouder of the fact that I've gone this long feeling so well. Stress is a fact of life; I've dealt with it before, I will again and so will everyone else. End of.

Acceptance.

Aware Coffee Morning, DCU

Feel your feelings. I am always saying it and yet am guilty of not obeying my own advice. It sounds naff and terribly obvious but it’s a mantra that has endless benefits. Feel what you're feeling. The feelings that you leave unfelt will come out to get you eventually, they're impatient little so-an-sos. Sit with the feeling that's going through your head, question what it is that's making you feel this way, confront the situation if you need to, if not -- simply sit with it and then let it pass. Let yourself feel what you're feeling and let it go. 

So here I go: I feel exhausted and drained after work and study and an interview that I so desperately want to get. I feel sad and hurt at something that's been on my mind lately. I feel disappointed and guilty that I'm taking time off work again. I feel a little overwhelmed and panicked by work and study and getting a new job once my contract is up. I feel so thankful and relieved that I have an amazing group of friends around me when these things go wrong.

My incident last Tuesday came in the form of an alcohol induced outburst of crying, similar to that of the "ID Incident" in Cork last October. I now know that alcohol is a big trigger when I'm already feeling low. And it's as simple as saying -- If I want to be well, then I have to cut that out! If I'm not sleeping, then I have to reduce my caffeine intake (and nodding off to the glow of my laptop screen, sigh!)

Taking all of this into account it's rather ironic that I happened to have a "Tea-Total" mental health awareness event planned for last Friday! Although I had been told to take the week off by doctor (to which I protested that I "have so much to do!!") I sneaked into work to host the coffee morning that I had been organising for Aware - the Irish organisation that helps those with mental illness. The event continued into a Tea Party in my humble abode that night, a wonderful night that taught me the importance of taking those special moments to enjoy time and chat and music with friends. And absolutely none of it involved a single drop of alcohol. Win, win.


For anyone wishing to donate to Aware and add to the money already raised by the coffee morning and tea party, they can do so on My Charity page.